Tuesday November 30th, 1999 11:57pm - my studio
That harmless neurological test of Edson's has done something scary to my head and I'm freaking out right now and my heart is racing and I can't go to sleep. I'm just pacing around and trying to relax by drinking a couple beers but it's not working. I called my friend Paul and he said I was having a panic attack and to drink a few beers and I'll be fine. Well I'm not fine. I came home today and everythings all out of whack I dont even know where to start!!! I'm so confused right now. My head is in a fog. I dont know what to do. I dont remember anything and it's frustrating me. I've been a little out of it since I got off the subway tonight riding home. I felt really numb riding my bike in the dark, like the way I do when I take my medication for when my back goes out. So I got off and walked for a bit around Nob Hill and got a cheeseburger and fries at Sam's cause I was starving and thinking maybe it was low blood sugar. Then I rode home after but still feeling numb and kinda nauseous. I walked through my front door to find a pile of mail, newspapers stacked up inside the gate, my place is a mess, 44 phone messages from people trying to get ahold of me and then Alex shows up a few minutes later pounding at my door freaking out and yelling at me for avoiding her. I'm thinking this was some joke or something because of the experiment and friends were telling me not to do it. I dont remember anything of what's gone on for the past week. The last thing I remember is sitting in that chair in Edson's lab at Berkeley and then riding home on the subway. I get home to find today is the 30th not the 22nd. I'm thinking maybe I went to Berkeley on the 30th and not the 22nd. I dont know, but it doesnt matter because whether I went today or last week, I still havent been home for a week or at least bothered to pick up the mail and papers and answer the phone or even write in my journal. Every time I try and think I just get more confused. It's like I get a flash of a thought and when I try to think of it, it disappears. It's like trying to remember a dream. I've been seriously trying to figure out if this is a dream right now. I'm gonna have another beer and try to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up and things will be normal. Maybe I'm just tired or something.